sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

As I sit at my bar with my pumpkin candle lit, pumpkin crunch cake, pumpkin coffee, (can you tell  how much I love the fall and everything pumpkin?) God's Word, my journal and computer, I can't help but thank the Lord for this wonderful life He has blessed me with. 

My favorite nights are those spent at the house with my husband, candles lit, hair up, glasses on, just relaxing in our pjs...much like tonight. 

But as I sit here, thanking Him for the good times, I can't help but remember the hard times this life has brought me to. Now, being 23, I don't have near as many run ins with hard times as I'm sure most people have, but the Lord has used the ones within my life to teach hard lessons that I needed to learn. 

The life-changing reality of our Savior is how He takes the worst situations within our life and uses them for His glory and teaches us to completely rely on Him. 

I remember my first real heartbreak. The sting of the tears and the sinking feeling within my stomach as I said that last goodbye to a guy I had spent four years of my life with. All I could see within that moment was my current reality. For years, my identity had been tied to a man, but the Lord used that heartbreak to teach me the sweetest and perfect fulfilling love only HE could provide to me. 

Psalm 86:15 "But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."

I clearly remember the bitter taste of betrayal...someone who was so dear to me, turning their back, and choosing to do what, seemed at the time, to be the one thing that would cut deeper than any scar I had up until that point in my life. Ever heard the phrase "hurt people, hurt people"? How true that is! I used my heartache and brokenness to excuse my actions, lashing out in anger and hurt. As much as you don't want to hear this, I'm going to say it...because I often have to remind myself of it. Your hurt and heartbreak does not create an avenue for revenge or vengeance. Our God is not a god of reciprocal action. Don't believe me? Take a look at His words on the cross. 

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing'." Luke 23:24

Our sin had put Him there; yes, He willingly took on the sin of this world, but had it not been for me, or for you, or for that one person you cannot stand because they have hurt you so, He wouldn't have had to take on the torturous cross. But what if He would've taken on the mindset that we so often settle in to? That reciprocal attitude; I'm hurt, so let me lash out at others? [Now please keep in mind, I am speaking from a place of vulnerability; a place of constant learning and allowing the Holy Spirit to bring conviction when needed and to open my eyes when my self-serving flesh gets in the way.] Do you understand that our eternity, our way to the Father and complete restoration with Him, rode on what Jesus Christ did that day at Calvary? Had He given up, because of the mockery, the pain, the emotionally draining experience, the beatings, the nails that pierced His hands, the hurt that He endured for us, we would have much bigger problems than the war going on in the middle east or the bickering that goes on within our families. The Lord took a tender and fragile time within my life to teach me a paramount principle: I'm not called to take revenge; not one place in the bible have I found God gives me permission to take my revenge on someone...but page after page I see love spelled out...love that doesn't make sense in the world's eyes...love that continues even after pain.

I remember the lonely nights that rebellion brought to my life. Remember the phrase, "hurt people, hurt people?" Well, I added to that in my life...hurt people not only hurt other people, but they hurt themselves...many times without even knowing it. The more I dwelt on the pain within my life, the further I pushed myself from the Lord. I went through a time of rebellion, questioning my own beliefs in the God that I had grown up loving; questioning the call of God on my life. Please hear me on this: I AM NOT SAYING THESE THINGS ARE BAD...NOT BY ANY MEANS! If my job permitted me to, I would still have my nose ring because I like the way they look...but, growing up in a Christian home with parents who made sure that the more I faced the world, the more of the Lord they poured into me, there were some things that you just didn't do. You didn't put any crazy colors in your hair, you pierced your ears and that was it, and tattoos were a BIG no-no! I remember when I walked into my orientation at my last job under the Woodruff Company and talking to the HR director, laughing as she went over what was not allowed in the office. No crazy colors in your hair, no body piercing outside of ears can be shown & no tattoos (or they couldn't be visible)...all of which I had. 

 The whole bottom half of my hair was dyed black and pink & I had recently gotten my 1st tattoo (the tattoo is an ichthus surrounded by my favorite quote: sweetly broken wholly surrendered) 

 

 This was when I got my second nose piercing. Funny story about my nose being pierced: I absolutely loved my nose being pierced...however, my husband, didn't. WAY before we had even thought about dating and when we were just becoming friends, he walked up to me one day and made it very clear that he did not like the piercing and that I should take it out. Of course, being the hard head that I am, I made sure to keep it in for quite a while after that, just to make my point :) 

The Lord used this season of rebellion within my life to open my eyes to not only His higher plans for my life, but the wonderful family He has given to me. Eventually after running as far as I could from the Lord, [the irony of the situation was, as I was running from the Lord, I was in school in Lakeland, Florida at a christian college, Southeastern University] I was stopped in my tracks by a man that I've known my whole life; one that has always held a special place in my heart, but on this day, he operated as the very hands of God, reaching down to my broken soul.

One of my favorite pictures taken on my way to jog around Lake Hollingsworth while I was away at school in Lakeland, FL. 

 I was in a mess...I was broken and confused. I wanted to find a way back to the Lord, but I was so engulfed in my mistakes and heartache that I didn't even know how to start pulling myself up. After a brutal argument with my parents over the phone, one where I threatened to move home and move in with the guy I was in a relationship with, never wanting to have anything to do with them again, (after they had caught me in my web of lies) something happened. When he had every right to cut off the money they were paying for my outrageously, overpriced tuition ($27,000 a year they were willingly paying), when he had every right to not transfer another dime into my bank account, to take my car from me, and allow me to face this world that I so insistently "claimed" to want to take on, he didn't. My daddy chose to get in his truck, drive 8 hours through the night, only to pick me up from my dorm and love me in my lowest time. He asked if he could take me to lunch. Lunch? I thought he was coming to take everything he and my mother had given me, pack me up & take me back home to settle my punishment there. But he did just the opposite. The minute I saw him in that parking lot, his arms were wide open. He told me over and over of how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. Of me! After everything I had done and the things I had said to him...none of it mattered. He saw my potential, not my mistakes. He loved me through it all and stood beside me as I fought my way out of it. That day he took me to lunch and shopping at the mall in Lakeland. When he should've pulled back everything he had given me, he poured out more. 

I treasure the bond I share with my daddy; I couldn't have asked for a better protector, provider and man to love me first in this life. 

He showed me something that day...something I've always been taught as a child. As much as my earthly father loves me, and what a beautiful picture my daddy is of the Father's love, that love can't compare to our heavenly Father's love. His love never fails! Romans 5:7-8 lays it out for us so perfectly: 

"Finding someone who would die for a godly person is rare. Maybe someone would have the courage to die for a good person. Christ died for us while we were still sinners. This demonstrates God's love for us." 

He knew that sin I would find myself in at 19 years of age and yet He still chose to take on the cross for me...you'll never find another love like His...never! 

These are just a few of my hard times...there are plenty more, I can assure you. But have you picked up on the common thread? He uses the bad times to teach us something...to make us better...and to glorify HIS name! 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 

I wish I could sit here and tell you that this life would be easy with Jesus, but if I'm honest, many times being a Christian makes living in this world harder. You're not living for this world or this life...your living with your eternity in mind. I love the comfort Jesus gives in John's gospel: 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

Sometimes the most devastating brokenness of life leads to the sweetest surrender to the King of Kings. My challenge to you is to allow your brokenness to be mended and filled by the saving and life-giving hope of Jesus Christ, leading to complete surrender to Him.  

"But God is rich in mercy because of His great love for us. We were dead because of our failures, but He made us alive together with Christ. God has brought us back to life together with Christ Jesus and has given us a position in heaven with Him." Ephesians 2:4-6