FAITHFUL when I'm faithless

Bryson Reid: the most precious soul!

My whole life I've been taught to stand firm in your faith; hold on to the Lord even when times get hard; press in even more when the hard times come...and for most of my life, I have. When bad times hit my family, I was the one who encouraged those around me to carry on. When the future didn't look bright, I was the optimist that saw the silver lining in everything. But this year...this year has been different. I've grown in a number of ways, but there has been an area of my life that I've struggled with...an area that I struggled to let God be God in. 

At the end of 2013, we began to pray about doing something that would affect a major part of our life for a long period of time. After we were married in November of 2013, the time that we were given with Bryson began to be taken away. The more we took him back to his mother's house, the more he cried, wanting to be with his daddy more. After much prayer and consideration, we decided to fight for more time with Bryson. In early 2014, papers were served and the battle had begun. 

All the details aren't important, but to say "things got messy" is an understatement. You name it, we went through it. I've had false police reports filed against me, insults hurled at us, stalked on all forms of social media to the furthest extent, embarrassing scenes at the ballfields (it's sad when you go to a gathering with people who were at the fields that evening and they come up to you and ask if it's always that way) and numerous false claims coming from the other party. You know it's a bad situation when you have to call the cops to your house, letting them listen to the recording of a confrontation with the step-father one evening. After hearing everything, a report was filed because the cops said threats had been made by the other man. (Side note: I'm not sure if you've ever seen my husband...he's not exactly the first person I would choose to threaten. At 6'5, nothing but muscle and an amazing athlete, he's a pretty big dude! Especially with threats coming from someone who doesn't exactly match up to how Bryant looks, on that day, I thank God that my husband has such a laid back personality and that it takes a lot more to upset him.) After the cops heard everything that was said, they suggested we look into video recording for our encounters due to the incidents we already had recorded...if that doesn't tell you how bad it had gotten, I don't know what will. 

My handsome husband, Bryant.

That's probably the moment I had come to the end of my rope with the whole situation. I didn't understand...I was beyond mad...get in my face all you want; throw insults at me; threaten me till you're blue in the face...but, when you mess with my family, the people I love and care about the most, there's a different kind of anger that takes over. I'm sure you've been there before...

Not only were they attacking my husband, the man who had done absolutely nothing to deserve this, besides wanting more time with his son, but Bryson was being affected by it all. He saw the scenes at the ball field...he asked about the heated conversations that were going on. He told us that he was being told his dad never came to baseball games, supported him, cared when he was sick, he wasn't "allowed" to lose his first tooth at our house and that he shouldn't like parts of our family. His precious mind and heart was being affected...and that's what drew the line for me. 

My faith was wavering. How easy it was to say "press on when times get hard" to others, but how hard it was when I was trying to do it for myself. One morning on my drive to work, like normal, I was listening to some of my favorite worship music, singing a song that I sing almost everyday in the car. All the sudden, the words that I had just sung came back and hit me in my face. "Hallelujah, our God reigns" was the bridge I had just repeated at least 15 times. [It was probably the closest I've come to audibly hearing the Lord speak to me. It was one of those times you just know that you know it was the Lord.] "You say, sing and proclaim that I reign, but you've become so worried over this situation that you don't even take the time to lay it before me anymore. Do you only believe I reign when you're leading worship or helping others with their battles. I reign over every situation, Chelsea...even yours." It may sound bare and simplistic to you, but it was the profound awakening I needed. See, I had gotten to a place, after a year of this battle, I was ready for it to be over. I either wanted to go to court and let the judge rule based on the information submitted and what Bryson wanted, or to settle outside of court. I was tired of it hanging in the balance. I was at the point that I began to point the finger back at God. "I KNOW you gave us the peace about going into this...now why isn't it over? Why isn't it ending? WHY?" Probably one of the most dangerous places I've ever been. Who was I to point a finger at God? 

It was during this time that I learned, or maybe re-learned, the foundations of my faith; many of these lessons being taught through my husband. 

1. Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." There have been many times that my mouth and flesh wanted to lash out, but thank God for a level headed husband who would much rather keep peace than prove a point. I am thankful that he helped me choose those soft answers. 
2. Vengeance isn't mine. "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19 I've been called to love; love Bryson and make sure he sees the love of Jesus pouring out of our lives. 
3. LIVE OUT your words. My husband is the one who really brought this point home for me. After the incident with the step-father that evening, after Bryson was asleep, we were discussing the situation. I continued to say, "I don't see how you did it...or even WHY! I don't see how you remained so calm. Had he been in my face, I would've lost it!" In the gentle way that he does, he looked over with those beautiful green eyes, grabbed my hand and simply said, "and what would have that done, Chels? Allowed Bryson see his father in a fight and going against everything I've taught him? Not what I want my son to see." I have to say, in that moment, a peace fell over me. Bryson was, and still is, watching our actions and soaking every bit of information up. I can speak words of instruction and what we should do, but if Bryson doesn't see me living out the gospel, it's all a waste. "Preach the gospel; if necessary, use words." 
4. Even when I'm wavering, when my faith is weak, when my burdens are heavy, when this world gets loud and I don't press into Him, HE STILL REMAINS FAITHFUL! "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love Him and keep His commandments, to a thousand generations." Deuteronomy 7:9. It doesn't say, "if my faith is strong, He will be faithful"...it says He is God and is always faithful! 

After over a year of battle, without ever having to sit before a judge, an agreement was made. When we were gearing up for court, ready to head into that court room, we got word that they wanted to settle outside of court. We now have Bryson for the time we wanted and it cannot be taken away whenever it's convenient to the other party. Over this past year, our marriage has grown stronger, my faith has been tested and my God has proven Himself to be faithful, again. I've gained a new respect and love for my husband, one like never before. He's my quiet place and the strong arms that hold me up when this life gets hard. His heart is beautiful and he leads a life of integrity and peace, and I am so thankful Bryson & Parker have such an amazing daddy. As hard as this year has been, I can honestly say, I am thankful for it. I'm thankful for those hard days, because through them, looking back, I am able to see the hand of God working. He is always faithful...even when I'm faithless. 

I went out to my car to grab this schedule. On the back, I noticed Bryson had gotten a hold of it. When I read what he had written, it brought tears to my eyes. It makes this past year worth it...worth it all! 

I hope this post is an encouragement to someone who is going through a hard time. Maybe it doesn't look like my year; maybe it's financial, or marital, or something going on within your family...it was much easier for me to say "Hold on" when things were going my way, but I can now honestly say, if you HOLD ON to Him, even when the fire is raging, they're spitting straight venom at your face and it's pouring down all around you, He will prove Himself to be faithful! 

All my love~ Chelsea