Jumping into your first year of marriage can send you spinning with a whirlwind of emotions...throw in learning to be a step parent on top of that and man, oh man! Let's just say, I could write a book full of lessons learned. Here are the top 9 that I've taken from this incredible year.
Bryson and I picking out our Christmas tree last year.
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1. it will be your greatest joy. Think about it: you've been given the opportunity and privilege of loving, caring for, and taking part in raising this beautiful child. You'll have nights where you lay in bed laughing for hours because of a cute saying they made, you'll have tears that flow due to their precious words, and artwork hanging all around the house that just had to be hung up that instant! You'll be one of the people they run to when a nightmare wakes them up, when their tummy is hurting or when they just need some extra loving. On the weekends that Bryson is with us, Saturday mornings are my favorite! We all sit on the couch, snuggling in our pjs, watching Ninja Turtles and eating cinnamon rolls. No agenda or place to be; just spending time together. Out of everything I've done in life, my accomplishments, my career, my degree, and any accolades my future endeavors will hold, being a part of his life outweighs them all!
Saturday morning cartoons.
2. it will also be your largest hurdle. The joy will certainly outweigh the hardship, but being a step parent brings its own set of struggles. It is often a thankless job. The minute something goes wrong, you're the easiest to blame. Discipline can be a sticky subject when you're not their "real" parent. Keeping balance in your home, teaching respect and working as a team can all pose as great challenges. One of the greatest things that helped us overcome our obstacles was to strengthen my relationship with Bryson. He needed to see that just like his daddy, I was going to love him unconditionally, regardless! ...but, that didn't mean he could act out and get away with whatever he wanted because I was around. We needed our own bonding time, just like he and Bryant have their father-son bonding time. Sometimes we'll go shopping together, just me and him, or make cookies together. As our relationship has grown over the past three and a half years, he has a healthy respect for me, but also knows I'll be the first to play hide-and-go-seek with him when we want to have a good time. All obstacles can be overcome with a lot of love and a little patience.
Bryson being silly downtown on one of our evening ice cream dates.
3. the ex will always be. (this may not be what you want to hear, but its what you need to hear!) Obviously something didn't work between your husband/wife and their ex. There is nothing you can do to change that. If they didn't get along then, chances are, they're not going to be "best buddies" now. Hopefully you're able to get to a place where its not constant bickering and arguing, where both parties work together as a team for the betterment of the child. However, sometimes things aren't always that easy like we wish they could be and take a long road to get to that place. If arguing starts, as I stated earlier, the step parent takes most of the blame. Unfortunately, you become a target for that ex and every piece of your social media becomes means of gaining information about you...and how I wish I could tell you there was something you can do about it! If you fight back, it fuels the fire. If you ignore it, they become upset because they feel they're not being heard, only causing them to get louder. My advice: ignore it..and know that many times it stems from jealously and envy. Just let it be, don't react, and pray for them and their family. If you don't hear anything else I say in this entire post, hear this: don't you dare try to taint or skew your step child's opinion of that other parent! Regardless of what your opinion is of them, it is not your place! You will do more damage to that child in a few negative words about their parent than you could ever imagine. Bryant and I decided a long time ago, regardless of how we felt about Bryson's mom, we would never utter a negative word about her for Bryson's sake! Last weekend Bryson brought over a stuffed animal that had a recording of his mother saying "I love you, Bryson." As he was getting ready for bed, he wanted to make sure he had it in his room. After we said prayers, he squeezed the bear, making the recording play. After he played it, I looked at him and said "what a sweet mommy you have to make sure you know, whether you're at Daddy's house or her house, she always loves you." The biggest smile came across his face, he kissed us goodnight, and drifted off to sleep (sleeping in his bed all night long! Can I get an AMEN??) Had I become threatened and hostile after hearing the recording, it would've hurt Bryson. That's his mommy and she will always hold a special place in his heart. You, as the step parent, are not allowed to try and take that away!
Bryson holding his Mommy Bear.
4. you're called to love. You're not called to try and replace their biological parent. You're called to love. Love them in their triumphs and in their failures. Love them when they had a great day at school and when they had the worst day of school. Love them when they've had their first heartbreak and when they give their life to the man/woman of their dreams. You're called to love.
Bryson trying to impress Anslee on the drums at church.
5. encourage. Being in a blended family is a hard thing for a child to wrap their head around. Feeling tension on either side of family will only hurt them more. Encourage them! Help them feel its okay to have two mama's and daddy's. Bryson had a friend over one day and out of pure curiosity, the friend asked, "why do you call her mama? She's not your real mama!" Immediately I could see the "HELP!" look on Bryson's face. I'm glad I didn't jump right in and gave him a few seconds to answer. He simply replied with, "just like I call Danny my daddy, I call Chelsa my mama." I then followed up by saying what an awesome thing it is to have two mama's and daddy's because Bryson gets two sets of birthday and Christmas presents and two families that love him. Bryson has a little brother on his mother's side and whenever we go on vacation or somewhere special, he wants to buy a present for his little brother. We make sure to include him when buying things as much as possible so that Bryson never feels a disconnect or tension when it comes to his other family. Encouragement will go further than you think in the life of your step child.
6. cover everything in prayer. You're not going to make it without prayer. Each night Bryant and I lay in bed calling Bryson out in prayer, asking the Lord to protect, guide & take care of him. Every person has a flesh side that wants to start yelling sometimes, but prayer brings you back down to reality. Prayer places yourself back in the hands of God, acknowledging that He is the one who leads and guides you. Prayer allows the Lord to speak to you and allows Him access to move in any situation. Prayer strengthens and encourages you. And I can promise you, being a step parent, you'll need encouragement some days. Who better to get it from that the maker of it all?
7. be what they allow you to be. For the first two years of being in Bryson's life, he always called me "Chelsa", because he couldn't say "Chelsea" when he was two. I loved that name! I loved walking into Bryant's apartment and hearing "CHELSA!!!!!!" as he ran to give me a hug. I never wanted to be called "mama" or "mommy" or any other maternal name. However, one day, after Bryant and I were married, we were sitting in Bryson's room playing with toys and instead of saying Chelsa, he said mama. We both looked at each other and I asked him to repeat what he just said. After saying it again, I looked at him and asked where it came from. Being a typical boy, he just smiled, shrugged his shoulders and went back to playing with his toys. A little while later, as we were eating dinner, I asked him about it and in that typical Bryso voice, he looked up and said "what? You are! Just like Danny is my step dad." From then on, "mama" stuck, but not because of anything I forced on him. Sometimes a step child isn't going to want to confide in you and other times they may trust you more than anyone else. Don't force anything on them. Only be what they allow you to be, not what you want to be to them.
8. boundaries. I'll never forget one Saturday morning when I had jumped in the shower and Bryant (who wakes up way before anyone else) was already downstairs. Bryson was still snoozing away, or so I thought (he usually will sleep late on Saturdays). As I began to wash the soap out of my hair, I hear two little feet come into the bathroom, followed by "I'm hungry." I froze! I'm sure all step parents have had those moments. Calmly I told Bryson to go downstairs and let daddy fix him breakfast, all while having both hands on my towel which was hanging over the shower curtain just incase he decided to open the curtain. The dynamics of a blended family are different, meaning different boundaries must be put into place. I learned very quickly that whether or not Bryson was awake or asleep, when changing or getting into the shower, locking the door is a must!
9. cherish every moment. Before long they'll be too cool for you and more worried about the cute girl/guy at school than going to the park with you. You only have a short time with them. I counted up the days: from today, we have 4,424 days until Bryson is 18 and can make his own decisions...and many of those days are spent at his mother's house. The time that we have with him is precious. I don't want to waste it. I want to use it to love him, encourage him, teach him about the Lord and make wonderful memories with him.
Bryson and I this past summer at Disney World.
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If you're a step parent, or you're about to become a step parent, my prayer is that you see this role you've been given as an privilege and you use it to show the love of God. What an honor we have!
I love being a step parent. I can't say its always easy, but I can certainly say its worth it. He may not have my eyes or my smile, but from that very first moment, he had my heart!
~All my love
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